Of course, not all of these mythical creatures are malicious. Jiao Ren (鲛人), Chinese mermaids, live in the south and east seas. These peaceful souls produce the finest waterproof silk and trade with people on the land. If you ever perform a kind deed for one of these polite and gracious creatures, it will cry tears of pearls for you. “Maybe I’ll have them drop by someday. This has been fun,” said Bai Ze at the end of our interview, clacking at his iPhone with his hoof. He pulled a gasmask out of his bag saying, “I’m immortal, not stupid,” clomping his way out of our office.
Today we will introduce one of China’s legendary monster: beast Bai Ze.
When the great—supposedly mythical—beast Bai Ze (白泽) showed up at our office door, we knew our prayers had been answered. As our graphic designer passed out from sheer shock, the beast bellowed: “You humans look weird, just as I remembered,” rather rudely seeing himself into the conference room. As to the appearance of the beast itself, we could only really agree on his color: white. I saw him as a giant ox with goat horns and a lion’s mane, three eyes on its head and more on its body. One editor believed him to have an old man’s face with a goat’s body. The beast itself seemed to have some sort of quantum field enabling him to distort perception or, as he put it, “bein’ mythical, like a boss.”
Normally shying away from interviews, the last time this creature appeared was more than four centuries ago when the Yellow Emperor was on a tour to inspect his territory. On his way to the Eastern Sea, he found Bai Ze chilling on the beach, as was his want. In a good mood, Bai Ze told the stunned emperor, in human tongue, of a large underground population of monsters and ghosts in his land. Upon hearing this precious information, the Yellow Emperor took notes on everything the beast said (a total of 1,520 creatures were mentioned), charting a guide to a previously uncharted realm of mythical creatures. Unfortunately, these notes have been lost to time (much to the creature’s chagrin), leaving behind only legend and Bai Ze’s famous reputation as a royal guard against evil.
I asked: “Why did you go up to the Yellow Emperor in the first place? Did you have a cloying urge to save humanity from these beasts?” He furrowed his brow and answered, “What? No. I was bored. Have you ever sat on a beach in ancient China? It’s dull. No cabanas or cocktails. Also, none of the other monsters speak to me. They all think I’m a terrible gossip.” When I asked what kind of friends Bai Ze does have, the creature happily explained some of the strangest mythical creatures I have ever heard. “Some of them are evil and some of them are just odd. Occasionally, you can even find some good ones, like me. Make sure you print that,” said the beast, motioning a pen in the air with his hoof. According to the great Bai Ze, many of these creatures are a bit on the dark side, such as Qiong Qi (穷奇), who resembles a tiger but with wings and who barks like a dog. This beast is extremely intelligent and likes to listen to a good argument, like a flying, terrifying Anderson Cooper. Unlike Anderson Cooper, Qiong Qi will eat the more sensible of the two. Whenever it encounters honest and virtuous people, it bites off their noses. To further encourage evil deeds, Qiong Qi treats vicious people with great respect by offering them small animal prey as tribute.
